In general it is more difficult for Men to talk about their feelings than it is for Women. To make this task a little easier and to be clear of what I mean when I say “I am upset” (could be Sad, could be Anger …) we use the following five core emotions.
MAD or ANGER
SAD
GLAD or JOY
FEAR
SHAME or GUILT
The usual flow of a meeting looks roughly like this :
- First Check-In
- Deeper Check-In “What’s rattling my cage”
- Topic coming organically out of Check-In or
- Offer of a facilitated process to a Man regarding his issue or
- Teaching Process
- Self-Blessing and Check-Out
At the beginning and the end there can be a ritual that opens the sacred space we are about to create. This has nothing to do with spirituality, more with ‘I honor this space and what will be done to my best abilities’.
For example ‘Smudging’ of each participant to cleans and ‘keep the outside world outside’ and in closing to link hands over the flame, lowering them and sending the created energy out into the world with a WHHOOOSH (the energy can also be dedicated to persons or to one-self).
Corner Stones of a Circle
- CONFIDENTIALITY
“What is said and done in the circle stays in the circle !”
This is the foundation to make a group like this work. Creating a safe environment for everybody to share what they may have never shared before. To go to places in oneself where we touch Vulnerability and where we find Greatness. - ONE VOICE
This is practicing to Listen. Only one person speaks at a time and everybody else is honoring the Man by giving full attention.
The main Facilitator may be the only person interrupting in order to guide the Man towards an insight that he might miss otherwise.
Everyone is free to ask for clarification, as it may well be that you are not the only one not clear on what was said. - NO FIXING / NO ADVICE-GIVING
The solution for anybody’s problem lies within. Skilled questioning through the Facilitator can assist a person in finding the answer he was looking for. Multiple people quizzing can have the adverse reaction and a Man to close down, as facilitation then becomes a grilling.
Once a process has finished another Man may “offer feedback” and this can open another learning by giving or receiving a “No”. - I-STATEMENT
Every participant is to speak for himself only. The generic ‘you’ or ‘we’ makes a general statement that everyone else is doing or experiencing the same, which is all but an assumption and the speaker projects his judgment onto others.
When speaking from the first person I take ownership of whatever I talk about – my experience, my feelings, my story. I empower myself by using an I-Statement and make it easier for others to fully listen and pay attention to what I have to say. - EQUALITY
Everyone is welcome to the circle ‘as is’. There are no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ participants. If something in me is not comfortable with someone else it is a great opportunity to look at that and what’s behind it.
Every participant has the same rights and responsibilities, including the Facilitators, Organisers, Leaders, Elder, Board Members etc - BRING YOUR GOLD
Each of us has a different story, different experiences and different skills.
And everybody carries Gold inside. The group is a place to discover and to share this Gold. You have something worth sharing. If you are uncertain if and when – talk with the facilitator. - COME SOBER
The group is a sacred space and needs to be honored like that. Energetic safety is at risk, if one is intoxicated. A Man may speak to it, if he feels he is out of integrity with this point and the group may decide to invite him to stay regardless. When this happens it is an encouragement to the awareness of what effect the substance has in a Men’s life and his courage to speak to it. The Facilitator may check if there is Shame present in that Man. - NO WEAPONS
No weapons are to be brought to the group.
If you have the need to run a process that involves a weapon, think if it can be substituted by some other item. If not, let the group know in advance, so any member has the choice of being there or not. - BE ON TIME
Honor everybody’s commitment to the group and be there before it is time to circle up. Let someone know when running late. - THE BOOK
Put your name down in the group’s book, as it serves as evidence for the insurance company (where applicable – Public Liability Insurance is commonly requested when using a public space) and more important the phone numbers entered are to be shared amongst the members so everyone can stay in touch with each other outside the group. - THE KITTY
Paying a token for the evening is very often neglected and can put extra pressure on the people who organise the group. Speak openly to it. Everybody understands that there are bills to pay and at the same time some Men will not be able to contribute right now.
It is great if a bonfire is available. If not a candle can be used to symbolise the tradition of people sitting around the fire to exchange story.
And please keep in mind these are guidelines only take what fits and leave what doesn’t – you create the circle that fits best for your group and your abilities.